do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
