Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
