how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
