The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She bit a glass in half.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
