Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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