Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
