i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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