I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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