After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Randomize
