Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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