# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Drake has all the answers
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
