it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
