I saw his package. It spoke to me.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
