Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
