I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
