Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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