If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
