Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
