Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Pants are for mortals
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
