'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
