So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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