This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Your penis caused this!
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