I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
