i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
