You're my little dorito
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
