Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
