never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
