He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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