I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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