Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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