She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize