Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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