The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
