On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
