i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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