Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
