you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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