The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
