My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
