Swine flu is the new snow day.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My ass is underappreciated
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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