1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
