you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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