After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize