If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
