It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I deserve this hangover.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
