Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
