I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
