drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
my liver is dry heaving
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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