So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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