nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
