it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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