Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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