i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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