she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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