i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
